What does it look like from the foot of the cross?

Prior to the leading the"Stations of the Cross" service last night I sat, candles lit, music on, and looked around.  Hanging above my head was a large cross. It hangs from the beams of our sanctuary.  On the cross is the Crucified Christ.  The traditional name for this would  be a Crucifix.  A thin veil made of purple fabric has been placed over it.  The candles lit, the music on, and I looked up. 

The Stations of the Cross is a service where we are led through a series of readings and prayers.  Each is said in conjunction with an image that depicts the artists image of that aspect of the story.  There is silence, the sanctuary is dimly lit, and the words and image are the focal point.  

In the Episcopal Church we most often see an empty cross.  A central tenant to our faith is that we believe that Christ was crucified for us, that he was sacrificed for our sins.  We believe that through this sacrifice we are forgiven.  In the Nicene Creed that we say each week, we say, "For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate; He suffered death and was buried.  On the third day he rose again in accordance with the Scriptures; he ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father."

It has always been really important to me that the suffering was for a reason.  That does not mean I believe we need to suffer to grow, although I must admit the times I have grown the most there has been suffering involved.  For the me the empty cross means that Christ suffered for me, that I am not called to do that to myself.  A wise spiritual director told me earlier this year that he used something in his prayer life that had changed him.  He suggested I think about it. "Lord, let me not be an insturment of my own oppression."  

What does it look like at the foot of the cross?  

"Metanoia is the turning of all mind and hearts to God in preparation for the celebration of the Paschal mystery in which some will for the first time receive the light of Christ, others will be restored to the communion of the faithful, and all will renew their baptismal consecration of their lives to God, in Christ." 
Thomas Merton

Holy week is a time to remember.  How are we turning our hearts and mind to God?  HOw has that grown or changed?  What is it like to walk the lonely journey with Jesus?  

Sitting at the foot of the cross has meant so many different things to me over the years I don't know how to write about it yet.  What I do know is that it has become more and more important.  Today I am committed to continuing the discipline of walking this path.  Today I feel the craving of wanting language to express what it all means to me.  Today I know that Jesus dropping of the cross, picking it up again, and walking along means more to me than just a fable.  Why?  How would you explain this to the unchurched?   

Gracious God, Thank you for the blessing of more questions than answers.  Thank you for heath and healing.  Thank you for the ability to turn toward you over and over again.  Thank you for always being there.  Amen 

Passion Week

"The mysteries of the liturgical cycle not only bring new out pourings of the salvific waters of grace: they also enlighten our minds with insights into the ways of God, ever ancient and ever new.  They teach us more of Christ, they show us more of the meaning of our life in Him, they make us grow in Him.  Indeed, the liturgy is the great school of Christian living and the transforming force which reshapes our souls and our characters in the likeness of Christ."  

    Thomas Merton,
Seasons of Celebration

Liturgy is one of those things that I knew spoke to me long  before I had any language or concepts as to why.  I came back to church as a grown woman, seeking a larger community of faith and a specifically christian one. 

God has always been a very strong presence in my life.  As children I believe that we experience the divine as normal.  We know that it is a part of the way we make meaning of the world around us.  It is not confined to a specific denomination or set of doctrines, it is a pure source of love and life.  The young ask more questions about "Why".  They are less apt. to say "no", that's not possible, or" no" that is to scary, or "no", that's just not "right".  For many children in the world today they are struggling with abuse, starvation, lack of education and so much more.  Yet, there are so many stories of grace filled moments where these very souls are able to rise from the ashes of this horror and teach us the real stories of strength, courage and grace.  They tell us the real stories of resurrection.

Liturgy provides us with a framework to reflect on the life of Jesus and the how that intersects with our own.  It provides us with a template for  a life of faith. 

Years ago when I was lost and floundering, I looked to many things outside myself to give me solace and peace.  I wanted to feel worthy and have some sense of direction.  Regardless of those around me that loved me, I was unable to come to that place of knowing, unable to take a deep breath, until I stopped and turned to God and asked for help.  I was unable to hear the words of wise and loving people until I was able to open my heart and ears to God.  Holy Week reminds me of that place each year.  

Jesus walked a lonely path.  He walked a journey that without his relationship with God and his faith in that God, would have been so hollow.   This week we are called to walk that lonely journey with Jesus,  But we are also called to remember those times in our lives when we felt lost and alone, when we wernn't sure if this really was the right thing.  We are called to follow Jesus footsteps to the cross and listen.  Listen, what is God wanting so much to tell you?  

It is also important to say that there may be those of you our there that are there at this very minute.  Know that Jesus is carrying this cross for you too.  Know that this journey is done over and over again, so that you too can come to know the power and love of this all knowing God.  Know that you are not alone.  Walk the journey and listen...


For centuries and over many different traditions storytelling has been a way that people enter into their lives and come to know themselves better.  It is often through others that we can best know who we are.  Live the life of Jesus this week.  Listen to the story as though it was your first time.  Listen..  What is God telling you?  


Today I give thanks for that young girl and her childlike faith.  I give thanks for a God that is every present and all loving.  Today I give thanks for the story that continues to change who I am and how I serve.  Today I give thanks for the faith that has sustained me even in my darkest hours and even when I could not feel it.  I give thanks.  Amen

Today

Then Mary said, "Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word." Then the angel departed from her.  Luke 1:38

In the Episcopal Church there are readings for each day, we call it the Daily Office.  Today is the Day we think and reflect on the Annunciation. One of the tools I like to use for daily prayer, especially if I find myself very busy in the morning is to look at the reading from a booklet called "Day by Day."  Forward Movement is an official, non-profit agency of The Episcopal Church. Since 1935 they have published the quarterly devotional Forward Day by Day, as well as pamphlets, booklets, and books to encourage and nourish people in their lives of prayer and faith. Their mission is to reinvigorate the Episcopal Church day by day.  We are lucky enough to have them free for all in the Narthex of our church.  The Daughters of the King provide them for us as a form of prayerful support. 

"Here am I servant of the Lord, do with me according to your word."

This morning I am reading the reflection on this and wondering what it must have been like for Mary.  What must it have been like for a young girl, possibly around the age of 16.  We know that the world was a very different place, women were not held in high regard and one's faith could be a dangerous thing.  We also know that she and Joseph were engaged, but not married, and surely were not supposed to have been intimate.  This whole story is scandalous.  

Yet, today we are reminded of a young woman that is visited by the angel Gabriel, he tells her not be afraid.  Hello, an angel is visiting you, it is written in a way that we are to believe she saw the angel.  In scripture each time an angel appears they ask us to not be afraid.  I don't know about you, but I would be afraid from the very beginning of this experience. 

Fear is one of those things that is very different for all of us.  I do not consider myself a person that is consumed by fear, or even aware of it a lot.  But I do know that when I am looking at doing something new, when I am being called out of my comfort zone, I am afraid.  We are given this feeling as a way to know to be cautious.  As we travel this journey of faith, one of the most important elements of that for me is the growing knowledge of who I am and how I can best serve the world around me.  It is always a big mistake to believe I can do or be something that I"m not.  I also think I have a better sense of that at the age I am today, as opposed to when I was 16.  

God calls each of us in different ways, at different times, and with varied people.  We are each visited by angels in our midst.  I am grateful that for me at this point they come in the form of a warm and loving parishioner, a colleague that knows me well enough to give me something to think about, a friend that reminds me of what's really important or my children, who never let me forget the core of who I am.  

In my minds eye, I see Mary sitting there, hearing the words of Gabriel and taking a deep breath.  You will be with child, the child will be the son of God.  Your life as you know it has changed.  Don't worry, people won't understand, they will think shameful things of you and Joseph, but don't worry.  You will travel many miles, it will be a long and treacherous road.  When you reach your destination there will be no room for you to stay and you will give birth in a barn.  But, please, don't be afraid.  

Mary looks up with confidence and grace.  She looks up with the naivete of 16 years of life and says, ok!  Here I am, I am here to do your will.  Help me be the instrument that you most need me to be. 

Today I am reminded of how important faith is in my life.  What a wonderful and amazing story, and yet, what would I have done?  We are each called to be the people God needs us to be.  God knows who we are and how we live.  As I look back over my life, I can see times and places where I had a strong sense of where and what God was calling me to do , what God's will not mine would be.  There are times, when my response was Thanks, but........  The good news is that I can also look over the past and see many times when I could hear and see God's will for me. I was able with God's help, the support of people and the  life that was forming around me, to live out God's will, not mine.  For me this is a daily prayer, one that I am able to do more effectively on some days than others.  But today I am reminded that when I am able to let go and trust  God, my life will have the meaning and purpose I crave. 

This is the collect for March 25.  Let us remember Mary today, Let us give thanks for her life and sacrifice.  Let us use her faith as an example of who we can be today.  

 Pour your grace into our hearts, O Lord, that we who have known the incarnation of your Son Jesus Christ, announced by an angel to the Virgin Mary, may by his cross and passion be brought to the glory of his resurrection; who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

Frustration

Wow, I can't tell you how long I have spent trying to get his technology to do what I wanted it to.  What happens when you think you have finally figured something out and just when you start to feel confident, a new twist?  Well, for me it takes many times to walk away, to take a deep breath and try to let go.  The challenge of course it that then I sit down and begin again.  By that I mean, I want to be able to move on.  I want to be content with not getting my way.  After many years of practice, I least know this is what would be a good approach.  Yet within minutes, I am back at the computer, back on the web, back trying to upload something to somewhere.  It seems so attainable to me in moment, and yet, because it seems to me there must be some small thing that I am missing, I must try one more time.

How do we get in our own way?  Today has been one of those days when there have been many details dealt with.  Today has been a good and productive day.  I have my health, most of  my sanity, and am blessed with many great people in my life.

At this point in my day I am here to let you know that I finally was able to let go of the project I was working on.  It is at this point in my day that I am reminded of an old friend that used to say that anyone could start their day over again.

In starting my day over again, I picked up the book:  Benedict's Way, by Lonni Collins Pratt and Father Daniel Homan, OSB

God often leads me to a book and then somehow in God's wonder I open to the very page I most need to read.  Let me share with you what I opened up to.

" Joy isn't something that simply happens to us.  Joy is a decision we have to make-or not.  You and I are responsible for whether or not we experience joy.  Joy isn't going to happen if we pamper ourselves.  Instead, we need ot consider what is preventing the joy.

There are a lot of thing that can choke joy,  but here are ten to think about:

1. Fear

2. Cynicism

3. Boredom

4.Low self-esteem

5.Taking life too seriously

6.Loss of wonder

7. Greed

8. Guilt

9.Bitterness

10.  Busyness"

 Gracious God thank for you for all the blessings of this day.  Thank you for the love of books, the love of music, and the love of art.  Thank you so much for loving me.  

Gracious God, Be there for all those known to you alone, that need to feel the loving power of your grace in body, mind and spirit.  

Gracious God, thank you that I can feel my frustration slipping out of my body(:  It is really all good.  Amen

Walking the Labyrinth

This past October I attended a conference in Mississippi. One afternoon the rain gave way to some sunshine and I discovered that there was a Labyrinth in the field around our conference center.

"We know all too well that few journeys are linear and predictable. Instead they swerve and turn, twist and double back, until we don't know if we're coming or going. The image of the labyrinth is an ancient symbol for the meandering path of the soul that goes from light into darkness and emerges once again into the light. "
Phil Cousineau

Life is a journey for all of us. Some days we are very present to what is happening in the moment. We are very focused on the here and now. Other days we may feel wistful, full of wonder, or wondering. We all have days that can cause us to wonder "why", for as many reasons as there are people. Yet this is the work, this is the journey. God calls us to walk this journey with one foot in the present and the other from a place of depth and inquiry.

The conference that I went to was centered about 4 questions.

Who am I?
Where am I?
Where am I going?
Who is God calling me to be?

It has been said that we are either moving forward in our lives or slipping backwards. I can honestly say that my life in the last twenty some odd years has felt like that. For the first part of my life I was surrounded by fear and frustration. I was not at all sure who I was and what this life thing was about. Some of that was developmental but some of that was being surrounded by people that did not have the tools or interest in attaching meaning to the larger picture. Fear and the need for security were paramount. Love was central to all of our lives and that was the balm that held us all together. Yet, I am struck by the loneliness of life when I had no concept of my life as a larger story.
Without language or concepts that helped me look at God through a lens of meaning making, I felt alone and lost. I felt alone and lost even as I was surrounded by love and care.

As I write this the irony that I have been called to be a person in the world that teaches, leads and guides others to find their story, to explore the love of God in their lives, makes me smile. It is the very manifestation of what I am talking about. We are all part of a larger story. "Imagine your journey as Labyrinthine." When I can step back and see life in a larger context I can see things differently than I do when life is one dimensional. A Labyrinth is made of many different things. The one that is pictured here was built in a field. Wood chips filled in the space and rocks had been collected and formed the pattern. There was a entrance. The circular nature of the pattern is reflective of our lives. It finds its way to a center. Theology varies in different traditions about the meaning of this, for me I always feel like I am in the open hands of God. Each time I have walked a labyrinth, I find myself sitting down in the middle. Each time I walk this journey I find it hard to turn and walk back. Not because I don't love my life, but because of the peace and solace I find in that center place.

As our day unfolds around us, where is God in it? Where is your life meandering?
Who are you?
Where are you?
Where are you going?
Where is God call you today?

"Holy God, be in my mind that I might let go of all that diminishes the movement of Your Spirit within me.
Discerning God, be in my eyes, that I might see you in the midst of all the busyness that fills my life.

Loving God, be in my heart, that I can be open to those I love, to those with whom I share ministry and to the whole human family.

Gracious God, be in that grace-filled silence that lies deep within me, that I might live in Christ as Christ lives in me. Amen.
Credo

What do you hear?

Yesterday was a day when I met with people, had wonderful conversation and had fun. Yesterday was a day when I really tried to listen. I want to share some of the wonderful things I heard.

One person told me that she" hoped too much." I said how can anyone hope too much? The conversation then went off on a path of what hope really is. Is it the kind of thing that if you haven't done something you were supposed to do, you just hope, hope, hope, it all comes out ok? Or is it something that is a result of living a certain period of time and seeing that life unfolds how it will. We can see that there is a larger plan than our own. It became clear that as a young person she was talking about the first kind. We talked about how sometimes we just wish that God would do all the work and we could just show up. We then talked about how awesome it is when we do our part and then we are able to step back and watch the story play out. Can we hope too much? I don't think so, but we are able to reflect on what that means for us.

"I have rushed all day so I could sit still". Is there anyone that is reading this that hasn't felt that way. When this was said there was an audible sigh in the room. We each knew that this was true for each of us. How much time do we spend each day rushing to somewhere, to do something, so that we can________ fill in the blank. God calls us to love our neighbor as our self, God calls us to live in the world and add to it in ways that make it a better place. God does not call us to do that all at once.

These are two of the wonderful gifts that I was given yesterday. They were not given "to" me. They were expressed in conversation, they were shared as an experience that was helpful in conversation. They became gifts to me when I was present to hear them. Sometimes when we are in conversation, do we find ourselves just waiting our turn to talk? Perhaps, you are a person that feels as though while the other person is talking you must prepare a response. There are many other ways that we miss hearing, really hearing what is being said. These two conversations became gifts because I was able to be present and hear.

In addition to hearing and being in conversation, I have been able to spend time in the last couple of hours to reflecting on these words. They have stuck with me. I have been able to think about why they stuck in my mind. The gift is my connection to the world, to God, and to myself. The gift is being open to God's grace in the many different forms it may come in today.

What gets in your way of listening to the world around you today? How would your day be different if you found yourself hearing what was said? What will your gifts be today?

Gracious God, Thank you for the blessing of this beautiful day. Thank you for the sun and the warm breeze. Thank you for the different people in our lives, known and unknown that will gift us with your grace today.

Gracious God, Help me to have open ears, an open heart and willingness to be present to you and others today. Amen

Meandering Toward the Center

"The practice of soulful travel is to discover the overlapping point between history and everyday life, the way to find the essence of every place, ever day: in the markets, small chapels, out of the way parks, craft shops." Phil Cousieau

When a tree is cut down and the stump is left what do we see? If we look carefully we see a story, a story of the many years that have gone past. We see the beautiful growing and expanding that has happened. We also see the holes and the crevices that show places of distress.

Science tells us that if we count the rings of the stump we will know how old the tree is. The colors change from light to dark and back again. The surface is not level.

What do we find when we travel to the center of who we are? Where do the rings that make up our years lead us? As I get older I realize that it is really only with all the different experiences that I have had that I am able to be the woman I am today. It is only when I look at the whole of the journey to this point that I can see where I really am.

In my minds eye I can see myself sitting on a staircase in the place I lived in college. I can see a very young, scared and lost girl. I can see someone looking outside to anything that might help her find a way, help her find peace, confidence, safety. I look at that young woman with compassion today. She could not have begun to imagine the many miles she was to travel. A life of meaning and purpose felt beyond her reach. When we are merely in survival mode we cannot look at the colors in the trees, we cannot hear the music in the world around us. When we are merely trying to survive we hold our breath, we wait and hope. When we are in those places it is hard to feel God, it is hard to trust that there will be a better day.

When we reflect on how our history informs our lives today, what do we see? I see God weaving it's threads of Grace everywhere. As many of you know I am a knitter. I love the feel of the yarn in my hands. It is fun to play with color and patterns. I love the feel of wearing something that I made. This is yet another place that when I reflect on how our history informs our lives today, I am reminded how blessed I am. My mother was a masterful knitter. I worn the sweaters she knit me from the time I was very small. They were warm and beautiful. She would let me pick out the colors and the patterns. It was fun, it was comforting, it was a feeling of being very loved.

Take time today to look back over your life. Where do you see God weaving grace like threads in a well loved sweater? As you look at the rings in the stump of a tree, what do you think of? Where have you traveled? Where have you really been?

"Inspired by a fifth-century conversation between Zi Zhang ad Confucius about the practices of wise rulers in The Analects, here are five excellent practices for travelers on sacred journeys:

Practice the arts of attention and listening.
Practice renewing yourself every day
Practice meandering toward the center of every day.
Practice the ritual of reading sacred texts.
Practice gratitude and praise-singing. "
Phil Cousineau





Gracious God, Thank you for the journey that we are on today.

Thank you for the grace to look back at the lives that we have lived and see your hand in it.

Thank you for today. Thank you for the sun and the warm earth. Thank you for the learning and blessings that are open to us.

Gracious God help us to be present in this day. Help us to go deep on the journey of faith. Help us to continue to come to know you and see you more profoundly in our lives.

Amen.

Spring

The sun is out and the spring is at our finger tips.


"Almighty God, give us wisdom to perceive you,
intellect to understand you,
diligence to seek you,
patience to wait for you,
vision to uphold you,
a heart to meditate upon you,
and life to proclaim you."
St. Benedict, circa 540






















Today I have very few thoughts of my own, but today I give thanks for God's grace, for the new life of spring, and the sun as it helps us thaw.

God Bless and Sleep well. Amen

Windows and Light

Through the fog of a head cold I cannot reflect a lot on thoughts that are in my mind. Today I offer up images. These are pictures that I took at The Episcopal Church of St. John the Baptist in Sanbornville, NH. We have the most beautiful stain-glass windows that were recently renovated. The grace and generosity of those in our midst shines through these windows each day. God is with us through our history, our present and our hope and desires for the future.



Where is the light shining through in your day?













Have you allowed yourself to stop and listen today? What could you hear if you did?














What things do you see around you that remind you how how loved you are. You are loved.

Gracious God, Thank you for the blessing of this new day.

Thank you for health and healing.
Thank you for all those in our midst that allow us to learn more about who we are and what you need from us.

Please be there for all those known and unknown that need the healing power of your grace in body, mind and spirit.

May God help each of us this day as we continue to live and grow into the people God most needs us to be.

Surrender

Surrender is very powerful .

Words are used in so many different ways. Many literally mean different things, have different forms or various tense. As I work on my writing I am reminded how so often the story or content in my head struggles to manifest in the written word. The written word is a place where we are all able to meet.

Words can trigger for me a myriad of thoughts. Today I was talking with a friend online and she was talking about Surrender and Incarnation. Over the years surrender has become a familiar concept for me. One that has become part of my daily life and a consistent part of my daily prayer. Today I am wondering if I have not let my prayers and my concept of surrender be limited. Today I am wondering if I have narrowed the focus of what I have really given to God. I am once again faced with the reality that I am very clear about the parts of my life that God is in charge of. For many years now, with God's help and others I have stayed away from Alcohol and Drugs. The freedom from the daily abuse of body, mind and spirit is a daily reprieve, but one that I am forever grateful for.

God has asked me to take many different forms of action and reaching out to the world around me. Without healthy and loving people in my life, it seems impossible to see and feel the grace of God. I have no question that addiction is beyond my will alone. With God's help the obsession to drink and drug has been lifted. Today I believe that could come back at any time if I do not listen to God's will in my life. I use this as an example of surrender that I "get". It never occurs to me that I am to live a life of recovery by myself, with will power or the idea of working harder.

With God's help I have now been sober twice as long as I drank. I only say that, because there are many days now that I must think I am in charge of my life. I take back my will. Being on the journey of faith and healing is a blessing beyond my wildest imagination. But many days we struggle with the acceptance of God's overwhelming love. Isn't it one thing to surrender at times when the world is overwhelming and feels beyond our capacity to deal? Many times we are driven to our knees when we know that with God's help or guidance we may know a better way.

God calls each of us to a life of love and labor. We are called to "love our neighbor as our self". Each time I read that it reminds me that we are called to be loving to ourselves, we are then called to reach our and be there for the other. It is not selfish or shallow to live into the person God most needs you to be. We are each created in the image of God and yet each uniquely different.

Surrender today means for me that I need to accept the life God calls me to. Surrender today means listening to the still small voice within that is excited about the possibility of getting out of God's way. I am struggling with exercise and wanting so much to be in better physical condition. Not for anyone else, but because I want to feel better. It is clear to me today that I have not asked God for any help with it at all. I have been beating myself up with messages of self reliance and self will. Today I want to invite God into my struggle. Today I want surrender to mean something new.

What areas are you not letting God into? Where in your life do you think that you are supposed to be in control? What stops you form letting go and getting out of God's way?

This morning I went to prayer with an open heart and inquiring mind. How about you?

"Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace.
Help me to rely upon your holy will.
In every hour of the day reveal your will to me.
Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout
the day with peace of soul
and with firm belief that your will governs all.
Guide my words and deeds, my thoughts and feelings.
Teach me to act firmly and wisely, without
embittering or embarrassing others.
Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming
day with all that it shall bring.
Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray yourself in me.
Amen
Philaret, Metropolitan of Moscow, 1821-1867

What Miracle do you see today?

The sun is out and the air fresh and crisp. I can hear the birds singing as spring creeps towards us. In our back yard we have a sculpture of St. Francis of Assisi. Sitting to his right is a wooden birdhouse, in the shape of a church. As I walked around the backyard, my feet squished in the soft ground. Sticks are strewn everywhere as the Squirrels play. The sun shines and the snow is melting. St. Francis and the wooden house are exposed and bathing in the sunlight.


"Francis of Assisi was a poor little man who astounded and inspired the church by taking the gospel literally-not in a narrow fundamentalist sense, but by actually following all that Jesus said and did, without limit and without a mite of self-importance."

In the Catholic church St. Francis of Assisi is the patron saint of animals and the environment. We live in a time when we hear a lot about taking care of the environment. How are we taking care of the planet that we are blessed to live on? How are we taking care of the other creatures that we share this journey with?

Today I want to pay attention to the world around me. Today I want to ask myself what ways I can be a better steward of the resources given to me.

"People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle. But I think the real miracle is to walk on earth. Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize: a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child-our own tow eyes. All is a miracle. "

Thich Nhat Hanh

What did you see today?

Sabbath can be thought of as a day of rest and worship. Mondays are a day that I try to keep for that very thing. Many days I do chores or things that I have let go the rest of the week. Those are not the kind of sabbath times that I believe we all need.

Sabbath for me is a day when I allow my body to breathe. Those times in my life when I let my brain rest, or wander. For me this is like being a young child and allowing my self to read whatever I want. Maybe I can daydream or go for a long winding walk. Maybe watch a movie that was rented a month ago. Bliss might be knitting while watching the movie, with a fresh brewed cup of coffee.



What did you see today? What is it like to take sometime during your week, if only an hour, to let your mind wander?

Today I saw the sun.

Today I saw the diamonds dance on the water.

Today I saw where the ice and the water meet.

Today I felt the wind on my face.

Today I felt my feet squish in the mud.


Today I saw that clouds are more than just the color white.

Today it is ok to not know what colors they are.

What did you see today?

"God to enfold me,
God to surround me,
God in my speaking,
God in my thinking.

God in my sleeping,
God in my waking,
God in my watching,
God in my hoping.

God in my life,
God in my lips,
God in my soul,
God in my heart.

God in my sufficing,
God in my slumber,
God in mine ever-living soul,
God in mine eternity."

Ancient celtic oral traditions - carmina gadelica

A Crack in the Ice

"Order my disordered heart. Let me see in whoever is enemy and stranger to me the other half of myself that I refuse to embrace. Loving Spirit, perfect the image of your love in me every day. Create an inclusive heart within me. Let my heart become peaceful. May I bring peace wherever I go and to whomever I encounter."

The Merton Institute for Contemplative Living

As I stand on the edge of the lake, I hear the ice cracking, the sun beating down on all that is around me. I find myself paying attention to the difference between the ice and the water. The frozen and the flowing freely. Looking down I see a crack in the ice before me. A crack in the ice.




During Lent we are taught to examine our lives through the practice of prayer, fasting and works of charity. We are taught to reflect on that experience through the life of Christ. What does that mean to us?

Over the years since I have come into the Episcopal church Lent has become more and more important to me. It really is a time to look at myself and where I am in relationship to God, to others in my life, and the world around me. Historically, this time of year has been one of great change and sometimes turmoil. I used to say that I didn't do lent, that lent did me. In recent years this time of reflection and growth has been more subtle and yet equally important.

In the book, "Lent and Easter, Wisdom from Thomas Merton, this jumped out at me today.

"The true Ascetic is not one who never relaxes, but one who relaxes at the right time and in the right measure, who orders his whole life, under the direct guidance of the Holy Spirit, so that he works when God wants him to work, rests when God wants him to rest and prays constantly through it all by a simple and loving gaze that keeps his heart and mind united with the indwelling Spirit."

The water reflected the sun and was able to move around the rocks, push the leaves here and there. The ice is growing thinner, the ice is fixed, solid, yet as it thaws it begins to crack. Sometimes ice is cracked by warmth, sometimes it is cracked by force. That is true for us to.





There are times on the journey of faith that God can feel very forceful. Sometimes it is hard to see God in it at all, or if we do, why ? We can find God in prayer, we can slow down and listen. With loss comes grief and anger. But with that loss comes room for grace and new life. Where in your life do you feel the ice cracking?

God also helps us crack those ice covered place in our hearts with warmth. Sometimes that warmth can come from within, sometimes people are put in our lives to challenge us, to love us. Sometimes this warmth comes in forms we didn't expect. But with prayer and attention, know that God's love and grace will help you heal those places that feel so lonely and broken.

Gracious God, Today I give thanks for the Sun and it's warmth in my life. Today I give thanks for the present moment. Today I give thanks that I could hear the cracking.

Tangled branches

As I was sitting in my car waiting for someone, I was looking around. Glancing to my right I saw this birdhouse and then was immediately drawn to the tangled branches that held it up. Looking closely, it was more interesting. No green, no life, chaos and confusion, dark and drab. The house perched on the top, worn and weary, the paint fading and peeling. One strong post in the center, one strong post that the house sits on and all else grows around.

One important element of the faithful life is knowing the difference between reality and fantasy. As my life has gone along and different milestones have come and gone, I can see that life does not always look like I had planned. There are so many things that I thought were a given. What a nuclear family looked like, what being a wife and partner meant, what the work of a mother was. Embedded in all these beliefs was the thought that if I worked hard enough, if I did it all "right", the story would turn out the way it was in my mind. Oh the tangled branches of our lives.

Life really is a journey, a million different roads, little paths that just can't be over looked. Life is not simple, it is not designed to be simple. It is so easy today at almost 50 to see what feels like the obvious truth. But as we embark on our different paths, doesn't it seem like the goal is obvious, the truth clear?

Grace is most often found for me in those places where the branches cross. In those places where my plan may be coming to fruition or not. God calls each of us to different places and in different ways. We are each created to live into the fullness of our being. At times in our lives that focus is on ourselves. We are focused on who we are, how that will be lived out, what am I doing? At other times, for me it has come with age, we look at the world around us, the places in our lives that we have most effected others and wonder......

What could I have done differently? Why didn't I see that? What can I do now to help? What is my responsibility?

God calls us to a whole story, a journey. We are not called to a snapshot of life, a moment in time. We are each here to live a life of collective experiences . I believe that our lives are a result of the all of these together. We grow up within a certain context, a culture. We live within our race, our gender, our community, our faith. We live in the East, the West, we live . There are a million different things that inform our view of the world.

Gracious God, I give thanks today for all the blessings of this life. For the awareness of the world around me and all those I love .

Gracious God, Help me to know how you can best use me today. Help me to remember that those in my life also have a path that is designed for them. Help me to remember that I am not in charge of their path. Help me to remember that I am one element, one part of the journey.

Gracious God, Help me to remember today that you are that strong and consistent center, that place within that holds us together, that place that we can trust.

Gracious God, Thank you for the journey today and all the blessings that it holds. Amen

“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves” Abraham J. Heschel

Anger is one of those emotions that I think so many of us believe has no place in the spiritual life. It is also one of those things that we all have a different experience of. Some of us grew up in families where anger was scary and dangerous, for some anger was never allowed, or at least was never shown directly. We know that anger is a part of life and the experience of being human. So that tells us, it was experienced. The key is how is it lived out, how is it shown or used.

It is also interesting how we attach labels to feelings. We decide that anger is a "bad" feeling, joy or happiness is a "good" feeling. So good in fact that we spend much of our life striving to be there, or to get back to that feeling that was "good". Yet, I have found over the years that God created us as we are. We are each living, moving, feeling beings. We are each going to have a wide range of emotions, each of us for different reasons and in different ways.

I am not sure there is something that joins us together more than our experience of the world. One of the primary ways that we do that is through our feelings. Psychology tells us that some of us are dominant feelers, while others are dominant thinkers. The way I interpret this on a very simplistic level is that dominant feelers take in the experience of the world first through their feelings. Language and thinking follow. Dominant thinkers would be just the opposite. That person interprets the world from a very linear, concrete place. This information is taken in and feelings follow. There are many different ways to look at this. Today I am thinking of it this way.

What I do believe is that God created us all differently and yet the same. Wonderful and unique, and yet all very human. We have each grown up in a different way, in different places, and with different experiences. That path has and continues to form us also. Anger has always been a defense for me. A place I could go for protection and courage. At least I thought it was protection and the courage was just an illusion. Many times my anger was the very thing that turned on me, the very thing I thought I was using for protection became the thing that either hurt others and almost always myself.

Over the years I have come to know the difference between anger and rage. For me, anger is about current things, about something in my life that has my attention. My reaction to it is one of passion, angst, frustration. The feeling of anger can motivate me, give me healthy energy to move past where I am, help me to advocate for myself or others, or to change a situation that isn't working. Anger at this point can be a constructive use of energy.

Rage is where we can become destructive. Rage is a place that reminds me of a time in my past that I was wounded or have not let go. Rage is old and can be a place that if not tended to, can keep me very stuck. It is also a place where we can feel very justified and righteous. Rage is old, anger is in the present.

All these thoughts about anger come because I have spent the last two day stewing and worrying. Writing this blog causes me to sit down, pray and ask God what I really want to talk about. I am learning that when I am angry or feel powerless, I want to retreat, I want to listen to others and help others. On the one hand this is growth. I have learned over the years that feelings are just that, feelings, they don't need to be actions. We don't need to react, we get to pay attention. There were times in my life that my rage scared me and others. I was hurtful with my words and actions. With God's help today I have traveled many miles and have acquired many tools for the journey. Today I do not want to hurt myself or anyone else with my anger.

Anger is a part of our spiritual life. Anger is one of those God given feelings we have. Anger is an important part of being a living, loving, faithful person. It is what we do with it that allows us to change.

Micah 6:8 "God required them to be faithful, to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with their God."

Sometimes we are called to act and speak in ways that are uncomfortable. Sometimes we are called to advocate for ourselves or those we care about in ways that feel foreign and scary. If we are passionate, loving and faithful people, God will call us to these places. God needs us in these places.

Today I know that my anger and frustration are a gift, it is given to me as a form of energy to do the work God calls me to do. It is my responsibility to use it with compassion and grace. It is my work to discern how God can use me most effectively. When I am in prayer, asking for help from healthy people and breathing. I do not need to be afraid of my anger, I need to invite it in and listen to it. God will guide me. God will guide you to.

"Anyone can become angry- that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way- that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy."
Aristotle

Where are those places in your life when Anger has gotten in your way? Can you see Anger and Rage as being two separate things?

Gracious God, thank you for all the ways that we experience the world. Thank you that we are all unique and yet the same.

Gracious God, Be with us today as we travel this journey. Help us with our frustration with the world around us. Help us to remember that you are with us and with those we love.

Gracious God, Thank for for the passionate anger that can change the world when lived into the way you need us to. Amen.