"The call from the Desert Monastics is a totally different one than the call to irresponsibility like the one we ourselves are toying with at the present. It is a call to begin again, every day of our lives, to complete the work on earth that the Creator has begun for us to finish. Life is a community enterprise. What we do not do for the other, will not be done for us. "
Joan Chittistser
Why would anyone want to go to the desert? This was a question asked of me, after a great day of skiing with my son. The answer I had was the only one I knew at the time. I wanted to go someplace really different, someplace that was unlike anything I had seem. Little did I know that there were parts of this that were very true and other parts that were very familiar.
Sabbatical is a time set aside for rest, renewal, reflection and study. After thirteen years in the ordained ministry and eight years at The Episcopal Church of St. John the Baptist, as Rector, it was time. Time to step back and just be. There were periods during this time that I could literally imagine a large pair of worn, very soft hands, held in the shape of a bowl. Finding myself snuggled up in those wonderful hands, knowing that God had formed me, knowing that God loved me, and knowing in a whole new way that God had brought me many miles to this point. It was time be breath.
Many have asked what I did during this time. It is such a hard question to answer. Not because I did not do some great and very fun things. But because I know that most of the miles I traveled were within. Most of the miles I traveled were long walks with God, giving thanks, paying attention to my story, watching my movie, and knowing that I was never alone. Most of the miles I traveled were needed to remind me that God has much work left for me to do and I must care for myself, and be truthful to myself if I am able to discern how God can best use me.
When I got sober at 26 years old, the world became a new and color filled place for me. It was like walking from a black and white photo into a full color shot. I realized that the disease of addiction was all around me, and it was all I knew. As I began to tell the truth about my addiction, people came into my life and into my heart, that have changed me forever. It had been a long time since I had gone back and reflected on the path that has formed me. Each person, each story, each time of presence has changed me. As each day passed, as each memory surfaced, I was reminded how blessed I have been. I was reminded that when we open our hearts and minds to the love of God, it is love and truth that we find.
As I enter back into my community I hope to share some of the many lessons I have been given during this time. My experience tells me that those lessons will continue to unfold for a long time to come. But today I want to offer a bit about ~ Desert Time.
Why would anyone want to go to the desert?
Belden Lane, in the book, Exploring the Desert Solace and of Mountain Fierce Spirituality Landscapes, says that Desert Spirituality is centered around the dying in one's life. This rings very true in my experience of this time. Deep grief was central to my experience. I had lost a beloved mother figure to Alzheimer's and her eventual death in December. The role she played in forming me as a woman and a messenger of the Gospel cannot be expressed. For many years she was the strength that I could not see in myself. She had faith in ways I could not yet see in myself. She had a boldness and a courage that I was in awe of. She was strong, smart, creative, and oh so human. Her hands were strong, soft and always open. We had not spent time together in the last couple of years due to my schedule and then her disease. I missed her, but in my minds eye she was still here. A close friend of mine said the day she died, it is hard to imagine a world without Barb in it. That was it, that says it all. Remembering our time, embracing all she gave and taught me, and then letting go. Ahhh, but the love and lessons remain.
We cannot imagine how grief rests on us until we let it go. We cannot imagine all we carry until we let go, a bit at a time, of the layers we carry. This journey is one that we must experience alone. Only we know our experience of the world and how we are to express it, but we cannot walk alone. Our lessons, our healing do not happen in a vacuum. Barb let me know that it was now my turn. I was to be the strength for someone who couldn't see hers. I was to be truth and faith to the one that couldn't see it yet. I was to take the love and lessons she shared and do the same. It was my turn. No more crying and weeping, get on with it!!!
"Life is a community enterprise. What we do not do for the other, will not be done for us. "
Dying in one's life can be the loss of people, it can be times and places. Dying can be a letting go of things looking and feeling like you had always planned. The gratitude I return with was always there, but I am so much more aware of it now. With loss comes room of grace and new life.
In so many ways the Desert seemed familiar. I know times of barren land, thirst and emptiness. I also am familiar with finding the growth, color and life in those times and places. It is those very times that inform who I am today. The majesty and beauty of the desert was a surprise to me. Ah, but truthfully, when remembering barren times, we often forget the beauty, the mystery. Most times we only come to see and know that in the rear view mirror.
As I continue to work my way back into everyday life, I give thanks. Thanks for the blessing of this day. Thanks for all those that have traveled this path before me. Thanks for those that have traveled portions of this journey with me. And special thanks for all those that allow themselves to be open to the healing grace that is the mystery of God.
My thoughts for now......
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