Surrender

Surrender is very powerful .

Words are used in so many different ways. Many literally mean different things, have different forms or various tense. As I work on my writing I am reminded how so often the story or content in my head struggles to manifest in the written word. The written word is a place where we are all able to meet.

Words can trigger for me a myriad of thoughts. Today I was talking with a friend online and she was talking about Surrender and Incarnation. Over the years surrender has become a familiar concept for me. One that has become part of my daily life and a consistent part of my daily prayer. Today I am wondering if I have not let my prayers and my concept of surrender be limited. Today I am wondering if I have narrowed the focus of what I have really given to God. I am once again faced with the reality that I am very clear about the parts of my life that God is in charge of. For many years now, with God's help and others I have stayed away from Alcohol and Drugs. The freedom from the daily abuse of body, mind and spirit is a daily reprieve, but one that I am forever grateful for.

God has asked me to take many different forms of action and reaching out to the world around me. Without healthy and loving people in my life, it seems impossible to see and feel the grace of God. I have no question that addiction is beyond my will alone. With God's help the obsession to drink and drug has been lifted. Today I believe that could come back at any time if I do not listen to God's will in my life. I use this as an example of surrender that I "get". It never occurs to me that I am to live a life of recovery by myself, with will power or the idea of working harder.

With God's help I have now been sober twice as long as I drank. I only say that, because there are many days now that I must think I am in charge of my life. I take back my will. Being on the journey of faith and healing is a blessing beyond my wildest imagination. But many days we struggle with the acceptance of God's overwhelming love. Isn't it one thing to surrender at times when the world is overwhelming and feels beyond our capacity to deal? Many times we are driven to our knees when we know that with God's help or guidance we may know a better way.

God calls each of us to a life of love and labor. We are called to "love our neighbor as our self". Each time I read that it reminds me that we are called to be loving to ourselves, we are then called to reach our and be there for the other. It is not selfish or shallow to live into the person God most needs you to be. We are each created in the image of God and yet each uniquely different.

Surrender today means for me that I need to accept the life God calls me to. Surrender today means listening to the still small voice within that is excited about the possibility of getting out of God's way. I am struggling with exercise and wanting so much to be in better physical condition. Not for anyone else, but because I want to feel better. It is clear to me today that I have not asked God for any help with it at all. I have been beating myself up with messages of self reliance and self will. Today I want to invite God into my struggle. Today I want surrender to mean something new.

What areas are you not letting God into? Where in your life do you think that you are supposed to be in control? What stops you form letting go and getting out of God's way?

This morning I went to prayer with an open heart and inquiring mind. How about you?

"Lord, grant me to greet the coming day in peace.
Help me to rely upon your holy will.
In every hour of the day reveal your will to me.
Bless my dealings with all who surround me.
Teach me to treat all that comes to me throughout
the day with peace of soul
and with firm belief that your will governs all.
Guide my words and deeds, my thoughts and feelings.
Teach me to act firmly and wisely, without
embittering or embarrassing others.
Give me strength to bear the fatigue of the coming
day with all that it shall bring.
Direct my will, teach me to pray, pray yourself in me.
Amen
Philaret, Metropolitan of Moscow, 1821-1867

“In a controversy, the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for truth and have begun striving for ourselves” Abraham J. Heschel

Anger is one of those emotions that I think so many of us believe has no place in the spiritual life. It is also one of those things that we all have a different experience of. Some of us grew up in families where anger was scary and dangerous, for some anger was never allowed, or at least was never shown directly. We know that anger is a part of life and the experience of being human. So that tells us, it was experienced. The key is how is it lived out, how is it shown or used.

It is also interesting how we attach labels to feelings. We decide that anger is a "bad" feeling, joy or happiness is a "good" feeling. So good in fact that we spend much of our life striving to be there, or to get back to that feeling that was "good". Yet, I have found over the years that God created us as we are. We are each living, moving, feeling beings. We are each going to have a wide range of emotions, each of us for different reasons and in different ways.

I am not sure there is something that joins us together more than our experience of the world. One of the primary ways that we do that is through our feelings. Psychology tells us that some of us are dominant feelers, while others are dominant thinkers. The way I interpret this on a very simplistic level is that dominant feelers take in the experience of the world first through their feelings. Language and thinking follow. Dominant thinkers would be just the opposite. That person interprets the world from a very linear, concrete place. This information is taken in and feelings follow. There are many different ways to look at this. Today I am thinking of it this way.

What I do believe is that God created us all differently and yet the same. Wonderful and unique, and yet all very human. We have each grown up in a different way, in different places, and with different experiences. That path has and continues to form us also. Anger has always been a defense for me. A place I could go for protection and courage. At least I thought it was protection and the courage was just an illusion. Many times my anger was the very thing that turned on me, the very thing I thought I was using for protection became the thing that either hurt others and almost always myself.

Over the years I have come to know the difference between anger and rage. For me, anger is about current things, about something in my life that has my attention. My reaction to it is one of passion, angst, frustration. The feeling of anger can motivate me, give me healthy energy to move past where I am, help me to advocate for myself or others, or to change a situation that isn't working. Anger at this point can be a constructive use of energy.

Rage is where we can become destructive. Rage is a place that reminds me of a time in my past that I was wounded or have not let go. Rage is old and can be a place that if not tended to, can keep me very stuck. It is also a place where we can feel very justified and righteous. Rage is old, anger is in the present.

All these thoughts about anger come because I have spent the last two day stewing and worrying. Writing this blog causes me to sit down, pray and ask God what I really want to talk about. I am learning that when I am angry or feel powerless, I want to retreat, I want to listen to others and help others. On the one hand this is growth. I have learned over the years that feelings are just that, feelings, they don't need to be actions. We don't need to react, we get to pay attention. There were times in my life that my rage scared me and others. I was hurtful with my words and actions. With God's help today I have traveled many miles and have acquired many tools for the journey. Today I do not want to hurt myself or anyone else with my anger.

Anger is a part of our spiritual life. Anger is one of those God given feelings we have. Anger is an important part of being a living, loving, faithful person. It is what we do with it that allows us to change.

Micah 6:8 "God required them to be faithful, to do justice, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with their God."

Sometimes we are called to act and speak in ways that are uncomfortable. Sometimes we are called to advocate for ourselves or those we care about in ways that feel foreign and scary. If we are passionate, loving and faithful people, God will call us to these places. God needs us in these places.

Today I know that my anger and frustration are a gift, it is given to me as a form of energy to do the work God calls me to do. It is my responsibility to use it with compassion and grace. It is my work to discern how God can use me most effectively. When I am in prayer, asking for help from healthy people and breathing. I do not need to be afraid of my anger, I need to invite it in and listen to it. God will guide me. God will guide you to.

"Anyone can become angry- that is easy, but to be angry with the right person at the right time, and for the right purpose and in the right way- that is not within everyone's power and that is not easy."
Aristotle

Where are those places in your life when Anger has gotten in your way? Can you see Anger and Rage as being two separate things?

Gracious God, thank you for all the ways that we experience the world. Thank you that we are all unique and yet the same.

Gracious God, Be with us today as we travel this journey. Help us with our frustration with the world around us. Help us to remember that you are with us and with those we love.

Gracious God, Thank for for the passionate anger that can change the world when lived into the way you need us to. Amen.

Travel memories

" Our lives are woven from a melody of calls that draw us out and help us to define ourselves."
David Spangler

What is it like to not know what direction to take? We each wander in this world, we wander and wonder. Are there times in your life when you are simply unsure what direction to take?

Have you ever been in a car with friends and everyone knew it was time to eat, everyone was hungry and wanted to stop. The driver asks where everyone wants to eat, where should they stop. A chorus of "I don't care", rises up from the car. Each time all are asked the same response is heard. Each time all are asked the conviction that they don't care gets louder, but the response is the same. The hunger has increased, the need has increased, but the clarity of where and what has not come. All at once the driver in sheer frustration and hunger pulls into the nearest restaurant. The decision has been made. Is it the best decision? Who is to say. What we do know is that the decision has been made. The decision has been made this time.

Are you the person that is sitting in a seat saying, I don't care, while being hungry and getting more and more frustrated. We have all been in this spot. When we think of words like Pilgrimage, journey, lent, discipline, each require the "right" action. Each require a very important decision. I would like to offer up the idea that each require a decision. But perhaps the most important action after that decision is saying, "yes". Is there a "right" answer to which restaurant? Will this be the last place that you will eat? Will there be things about this place that you really enjoy? There will be things about this place that you do not like,that don't meet your needs or expectations. But will the experience be different if we enter into it with an open mind, with the belief that we are grateful for the opportunity to be with friends, that we have the money to buy food, that we can be fed. Whether it is a commercial opperation with Golden Arches or a local eatery, does it remind us of a story, a place we may have visited before. I guess in reflection the point is that sometimes we don't make decisions, sometimes they are made for us, sometimes our work is to pay attention to the places we find ourselves. Sometimes the perfect place is right where we are.

What is it like to be the driver? Your insides are screaming for a decision to be made. You really want everyone to be happy, you feel responsible for the well- being and prehaps even the happiness of those around you. Making a decision can feel like a huge responsibility. What will happen if we make the "wrong" one? Where is the perfect restaurant that everyone will like? There are times when waiting and seeing is just the right thing. But there are times when we feel really called to make a choice, to lean in one direction or another. This is a strong and important part of who we are. Knowing who you are and what is important is central to being the instruments that God needs us to be. Caring about the well being and happiness of those around us is compassion and allows us to feel part of the larger family.

God calls us to be in different roles at different times. As we continue on this journey how can we discern where God is calling us today? Are you feeling hungry, lost and confused? If you are, know that your are not alone, you are one of many that sit, look, and wonder. Where should I go, what should I do, what do I want? Spend time with God today, allow yourself to be quiet and curious. Allow your brain and heart the permission to just take an action. Pay attention and be mindful of where you are.

If God is calling you to be in the drivers seat, where are you longing to go? What do you feel the pull of? What is holding you back from moving forward, of making a decision? Are you worried some won't like your decision, are you worried it won't be right for some? Spend time with God today. Allow those questions to surface, allow them to surface without judgment.

As we continue our travels, let us always be mindful of the grace and peace that comes from the all loving, all powerful God. Let us give thanks for this day, for the chance to slow down and be with God, with ourselves, and those in the world around us. Let us pay attention today to God's grace in our lives.

God speed in your travels today.

Clutter

"Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity."

Albert Einstein

Clutter may truly be the polite way to describe the state of my home. In the context of keeping this lent a journey, I think I will look at the beginning of this week as one of pushing through the heavy brush. It is sometimes hard to believe that even land that has only been left untended for a short time can become unruly. Brush can become thick and overgrown. When this happens so often beautiful places become unable to get to, or perhaps we give up before we even begin?

Yesterday was the first day that I did not post since I began this Lenten discipline of writing. So many things run through my head. Do I pretend that it is yesterday? Do I say I wrote it last night and just post this morning? Do I ignore yesterday and just right for today? As I write these questions I find how important it is to acknowledge that it is this morning that I can really reflect on my learning of yesterday. Is the discipline about doing it perfectly, or is it about spending time with God and reflecting on my faith journey? For years I would tell you that it was not about doing it perfectly and yet still expect myself to do something perfectly. Of course, the outcome of this belief was that I allowed myself to do very little, because I didn't want to show my humanity. Humanity, not shame, not sin, not "badness", humanity.

God's grace is that I sit here today so grateful for the knowledge of our humanity, of my humanity. Some say that your living space can reflect how you are living your life, or at least it can say a lot about you. The clutter has been building around us, the piles of "stuff" continues to grow. Some of the piles are treasured items, books, yarn, magazines, clothes, books, books, yarn. Some was an outcome of chores not finished, trash, laundry, those everyday tasks that have no higher calling or deeper purpose than to live in the world in a healthier way. I am guilty of thinking that when the laundry or trash is done, that it is in fact, done. Years, yes, years or repeating this behavior, I am finally coming to terms with the reality that these tasks must be done, over and over.

For this moment many of these tasks are in progress. What has been really important for me to pay attention to is how I trap myself. It is hard to feel like one can see outside the box, for one to be creative, or even alive if we trap ourselves with so many barriers. The physical barriers reflect the internal blocks that can keep us from being present with God, with the divine, with the very spirit that longs to spend time in our hearts. There is so little room. How is it on this journey we can make room for those elements of our selves that crave the breath of the spirit?

Today I give thanks for the action of cleaning out my closet, my real closet, clothes I have had for more years than I can name. Today, I give thanks for boxes of things that can go to those that need them. They do not need to sit in my home waiting for the day to come when they could be used. Today I give thanks for the growing belief that there is enough, that God will provide for me and for those I love. Today, I celebrate the continued balance between living with the simplicity of what I need and the belief that it is important to live a life of abundance. Today I give thanks as I come to know that that comes to us by letting go, letting go of things, letting go of outcomes, letting go of perfection.

This journey of Lent helps me to stop, listen and pay attention.

" Deep silence leads us to suspect that , in the first place, prayer is acceptance. People who pray stand with their hands open to the world. They know that God will show himself in the nature that surrounds them, in the people they meet, in the situations they run into. They trust that the world holds God's secret within it, and they expect that secret to be show to them. Prayer creates that openness where God can give himself to us. Indeed, God wants to give himself; he wants to surrender himself to the person he has created; God even begs to be admitted into the human heart." Henri J.M. Nouwen